I have this terrible tendency of shutting people that I care about out when I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. Yes, I'm doing that as I type these words. If anybody I know is reading this, I've probably done it to them. Is it a defense mechanism? I guess so. It's terrible, but when life seems unbearable I just want to shut everyone and everything out and run far fucking away. Some place tropical, some place out of this country.
I'm seeing somebody new, and apparently we're official. It doesn't feel "official". Not that I know how that's supposed to feel. I like him, he likes me. So we are now bf/gf. So this is where I gush about how great he is, right? Well all I am feeling at this moment is trapped and I want to run away. MAN, I have issues. I try not to bring him around Harper too much since we haven't been "together" very long, but it's kind of inevitable. Tonight she saw him for a second and said hi to him by his name, and then when he left she kept asking where he was, and asking for him by his name. It made me feel like such a shitty parent, which is why I think I'm wanting to push him away. He didn't choose to have a child, I did. He tells me that he likes me, Harper included....but I don't know. Maybe I just feel like nobody is good enough for her? I don't want to bring another man in her life who will up and leave again in the near future. THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE!!!! I want to be 24. I want to dream of living in far off countries, what kind of restaurant I'm going to explore today, enjoy my independence, and not constantly stress about another human beings existence. But so be it, right?
Anyways, I guess a few updates:
I adopted a pitbull and named her Stella. Stella was born with bad knees and is going to get one of them replaced in 2 days. Poor thing. Smart move, right? Adopt a dog because a baby isn't enough responsibility. Oh wait, adopt a dog with health issues....because a baby isn't enough responsibility.
Oh, and to get even more responsible I said 'fuck it' to the world of retail and quit my job. Do I have another one lined up? No. Am I terribly concerned about that? Nope!
I'm doing egg donation. In about 3 weeks they are going to 'retrieve' the eggs out of me, and attempt to impregnate another lady with them. How fucking scary is that? I'm trying to focus on the gift I am giving somebody who can't have a child, and the money I'll get from it, instead of the fact that I will have another kid running around out there....sort of.
I set a goal for myself that I wouldn't eat sugar for 30 days. Sugar meaning candy, cake, etc....because I eat it for every meal. I lasted 3 days. WIN.
I am moving out of my house that I haven't even lived in 2 months, away from my psychotic roommate and her 20 year old 'brah' boyfriend, and into another home with a friend. 10 more days, cross your fingers this situation is a million times better.
I have one more day of classes, finals are over, and winter term will be officially done. I've decided to take 4 classes next term instead of 3 since I won't be working. omgah.
Goodnight <3
