Mar 20, 2012

I only miss you when I'm breathing....

I have this terrible tendency of shutting people that I care about out when I am feeling extremely overwhelmed.  Yes, I'm doing that as I type these words.  If anybody I know is reading this, I've probably done it to them.  Is it a defense mechanism?  I guess so.  It's terrible, but when life seems unbearable I just want to shut everyone and everything out and run far fucking away.  Some place tropical, some place out of this country.

I'm seeing somebody new, and apparently we're official.  It doesn't feel "official".  Not that I know how that's supposed to feel.  I like him, he likes me.  So we are now bf/gf.  So this is where I gush about how great he is, right?  Well all I am feeling at this moment is trapped and I want to run away.  MAN, I have issues.  I try not to bring him around Harper too much since we haven't been "together" very long, but it's kind of inevitable.  Tonight she saw him for a second and said hi to him by his name, and then when he left she kept asking where he was, and asking for him by his name.  It made me feel like such a shitty parent, which is why I think I'm wanting to push him away.  He didn't choose to have a child, I did.  He tells me that he likes me, Harper included....but I don't know.  Maybe I just feel like nobody is good enough for her?  I don't want to bring another man in her life who will up and leave again in the near future.  THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE!!!!  I want to be 24.  I want to dream of living in far off countries, what kind of restaurant I'm going to explore today, enjoy my independence, and not constantly stress about another human beings existence.  But so be it, right? 

Anyways, I guess a few updates: 
I adopted a pitbull and named her Stella.  Stella was born with bad knees and is going to get one of them replaced in 2 days.  Poor thing.  Smart move, right?  Adopt a dog because a baby isn't enough responsibility.  Oh wait, adopt a dog with health issues....because a baby isn't enough responsibility. 
Oh, and to get even more responsible I said 'fuck it' to the world of retail and quit my job.  Do I have another one lined up? No.  Am I terribly concerned about that? Nope! 
I'm doing egg donation.  In about 3 weeks they are going to 'retrieve' the eggs out of me, and attempt to impregnate another lady with them.  How fucking scary is that?  I'm trying to focus on the gift I am giving somebody who can't have a child, and the money I'll get from it, instead of the fact that I will have another kid running around out there....sort of. 
I set a goal for myself that I wouldn't eat sugar for 30 days.  Sugar meaning candy, cake, etc....because I eat it for every meal.  I lasted 3 days.  WIN.
I am moving out of my house that I haven't even lived in 2 months, away from my psychotic roommate and her 20 year old 'brah' boyfriend, and into another home with a friend.  10 more days, cross your fingers this situation is a million times better.  
I have one more day of classes, finals are over, and winter term will be officially done.  I've decided to take 4 classes next term instead of 3 since I won't be working. omgah.
Goodnight <3   

Feb 24, 2012

sour by the minute but you're sweeter by the hour

What I'm Listening To:

JoJo- Marvins room (her mix)
Wale- Lotus Flower Bomb
Drake- The Ride ft. The Weeknd
John Mayer- Gravity
Band of Skulls- Sweet Sour
Gotye- Somebody that I used to know
Little Hurricane- Haunted Heart

My life feels as all over the place as this playlist.  I'm seeing someone new, I'm in a new place, I'm going to be moving out of my new place, Harper is almost 2, my job blows nuts, I never have enough time for my friends, plans for vegas, no plans for vegas, failing school, not failing school.  Who has time for it all?!?! I don't know how I'm ever supposed to accomplish anything, or when I'm ever supposed to be able to breathe.  But maybe breathing is overrated?  Christ.  I just want 2 weeks in Bora Bora, is that too much to ask?!? With a nanny, ok and a lot of alcohol, ok and a hot bod n new boobs, oh and friends.  Sounds perfectly acceptable to me.  I cannot wait for Summer.  I can't wait for some vitamin C and sunshine in my life.  Maybe it will lift me out of this funk I'm feeling.  Funk sounds depressing, I'm not depressed.  My life is crazy and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm just tired of the clouds, and the rain.  I want to wear my new swimsuit and get drunk on the river, pass out, and wake up with an epic sunburn.  That's all.  Okay I'm rambling.  I'll end with a picture of my daughter who is going to be 20 times cooler than I'll ever be.  <3 her. 

Jan 14, 2012

1.14

Fall in love or fall in hate.
Get inspired or be depressed.
Ace a test or flunk a class.
Make babies or make art.
Speak the truth or lie and cheat.
Dance on tables or sit in the corner.
Life is divine chaos. Embrace it.
Forgive yourself. Breathe.
And enjoy the ride...."
(solbeam)

Jan 7, 2012

1.7.12

I can't believe its 2012.  What am I going to do with my last year of life? Haha.





Dec 20, 2011

Dec 18, 2011

What I'm listening to....

  1. Kelly Rowland- 'When love takes over'
  2. Adele- 'He wont go' (yes, I'm sick of her too but this song KILLS)
  3. J.Cole- 'Work it out'
  4. Kyla La Grange- 'Been better'
  5. Rihanna ft. Jay-Z- 'Talk that talk'
  6. Robyn- 'Get myself together'
  7. Dirty Vegas- 'Changes'
  8. Monifah- 'Touch it'
  9. Melanie Fiona- 'It kills me' (hot guy from csi in vid...YEAA!)
  10. Robin Thicke- 'Love after war' (hot vid gahh)

I'm Alive!

Ignore that last post.  How depressing!  I like how when I'm having a bad day/week/month I take it out on my blog and sound ultra depressing/ungrateful.  Life is a bitch, I need to get over it.  What do I expect?  Money to rain from the sky?  To drink mass amounts of tequila, have unprotected sex, and NOT be 9 months pregnant before I know it?  It's easy to let the moment (and my crazy emotions) get the best of me. 

Things I'm currently loving:

  • Bullet points
  • Harper (I cant wait to be best friends)
  • Crisp winter days with no rain
  • How lucky I am to have the people in my life that I do
  • Kaskade ft Neon Trees- Lessons in love
  • Being an independant woman
  • Infinity scarves
  • My crazy sex life
  • Christmas trees & vanilla scented candles
  • The pearl district at night
  • Stumbleupon
  • Tequila (i love to hate)
  • Boyce Avenue
  • $1 pregnancy tests
  • World Market
I am 100% uncertain about my future, and completely terrified.  I have to remind myself though that God never gives you more challenges/obstacles than you can actually handle.  I am constantly learning and growing from my never ending mistakes.  Every day I am reminded by my daughter why I need to move forward, why I need to prove people wrong, and why I can do anything in the world that I want to do.

Aug 10, 2011

It's

crazy how every single relationship changes when you have a kid.
It's even crazier how all of my "friends" only come around when
they're interested in drinking.


Jul 14, 2011

If only....






If only I had oodles of money & a big fat pad.  Sigh.